It all started with an intention to abstain from certain things during the 40 days of Lent, a common practice observed by Catholics, and a practice that I agree with, in principle.  As I look back to the cross – that horrible, wonderful event that secured freedom from sin – Jesus’ life is one of laying aside his own will to do his father’s.

So, following that train of thought, isn’t denying myself a few things during the lenten season a good and godly goal?

Yes it is.  But I blew it…fell off the wagon…gave into temptation…and had a cookie.  Not just any cookie, but a chocolate cookie.  As chocolate was the substance that I was avoiding during Lent, this was worse.  It actually ruined my concept of myself as a disciplined woman in control of her appetite and able to avoid temptation. But, even more seriously, I wondered how I could really walk in Jesus’ footsteps on the way to the cross, if I couldn’t even stay away from a simple cookie.  That questioning of my ability to be a disciple wasn’t very pleasant. The awareness that my flesh was – still weak – did not sit well with me.

Didn’t Jesus’ disciple Peter find himself in a similar mode, after he denied knowing Jesus for the third time?  Especially as he had promised to himself and others that he would never deny Jesus. Peter said to him, “Even if I must die with you, I will not deny you!” Matthew 26:35 Peter’s humiliating realization that he had failed must have derailed his sense of self, his pride, and his integrity.

And Peter remembered the saying of Jesus, “Before the rooster crows, you will deny me three times.” And he went out and wept bitterly.” Matthew 26:75

Peter wept bitterly.  He now saw clearly that, in spite of having spent three years with Jesus and been witness to intense miracles and revelations, at his core he was still weak, selfish, and disloyal in the face of danger.

There is a lesson hidden in my losing the battle of my will to a cookie.  And in Peter’s losing his own willpower in the courtyard.

Simply, in spite of how we like to view ourselves, in spite of our best intentions, we are powerless and weak.  It is these very situations that peel back the layers and expose what is underneath, and it is not heroic. And it is a great disappointment to realize what we are.

Thankfully, Peter’s story does not end after the rooster crowed three times.  And my story does not end because I gave in to the temptation to eat a cookie.  In fact, that is where the story begins, because, in being exposed for my lack of discipline, I must let go of my pride. And it is at that precise moment that the cross becomes visible once again, and I realize just how much I need it.  It is a place of exchange for my weakness.  Paul, in Romans, explains, “You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.” (Romans 5:6 NIV)

My downfall – that little chocolate cookie – has turned from my enemy into my ally in approaching the cross.  I thought my own self-denial and self-imposed fasting would get me there this lenten season.  But it was the very opposite – the exposure of my inability to deny myself – that helped me find the cross, the throne of grace, where I may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. (Hebrews 4:16)